Nobody prepares you for the exact moment you realize you have accidentally become the adult in the room, and everyone else is looking at you like you actually have the answers.
This week I sat in a team planning session and had to gently explain to a member of my team that yes, part of their job is actually giving advice, not just shoving raw information through my inbox like a drive-through window, not caring if it’s what I ordered, (in this case or useful) and expecting me to assemble from whatever was thrown into the bag, the thing I am meant to do with this.
Let me set the scene. We were talking about how to be a bit more strategic as a team. Nothing groundbreaking. Not reinventing the wheel or solving world peace. Just the absolute basics of taking a pile of information, applying a crumb of critical thinking to figure out what it actually means, and telling me what they think we should do about it, as part of seeking a decision. Pretty straightforward right?
I shared that I sometimes find it difficult to extract at pace what this decision is that’s required. Real version, not said out loud, what I usually get is the corporate equivalent of someone dropping a dead mouse on my doorstep and waiting for a pat on the head. Here is a forwarded email chain. With a really vague paragraph (or nine) with zero context/framing/advice as to what the sender is after. “You figure it out, boss.”
Internally, my brain was screaming: For fuck’s sake, you are literally in a role that requires you to provide advice, it’s even in the job title and the job description. How have you gotten this far in life? Were you dropped as a baby? Is this not completely obvious?
Outwardly, summoning every ounce of corporate restraint I possess, I used my calmest, most reasonable voice and said, “I do expect that whether it’s me or another member of leadership, you wouldn’t just forward something on without some kind of recommendation and your reasoning why, to support the decision you need”
I even walked them through the BLUF method (Bottom Line Up Front), patiently explaining how to lead with the actual point, what’s needed by when, to help make a decision at pace. Again the not said out loud part – instead of making me wade through three paragraphs of backstory just to find out if the building is on fire. All while quietly fantasising about either running into oncoming traffic or ordering a frozen margarita at 11 a.m.
And then came the response. Delivered completely deadpan, without a shred of irony.
“Well, I didn’t know we could do that.”
They then launched into a whole explanation about needing to feel “confident” doing that, because apparently previously they needed permission to have a thought of their own, and anyway leadership is terrible at replying to emails so they are always having to chase up decisions.
I had to physically stop myself from pointing out that if you send busy people a wall of unedited raw text with zero recommendation attached, of course they are going to ignore it until they have more than two minutes between meetings to pee, make a coffee and still make it to the next meeting on time.
Instead, trying to be a supportive, empowering leader (who was dying a slow death inside), I calmly asked, “Okay, what would you need to feel confident doing that?”
Crickets. Literal silence. Blinking back at me like I had just asked them to solve quantum physics in Mandarin.
That was it. My soul officially left my body. I was done.
The weirdest part of being a leader is that you are somehow supposed to keep a straight face through moments like this, nod encouragingly, and pretend this is a totally normal day.
Nobody tells you that you will spend at least half of it swallowing your own disbelief and gently coaching grown adults through basic common sense scenarios.
Naturally, the second the meeting wrapped up, I immediately tracked down my bestie for an emergency debrief to ask the only question that matters: There is no way we were this hopeless, right?
We spent a solid ten minutes trying to remember our early career days. Honestly, it is a bit blurry, mostly because back then we were surviving on 4 hours sleep, cheap wine, bad decisions, and sheer panic. BUT surely we at least attempted to have an opinion before making it our bosses problem. Because if we didn’t, I owe every manager I ever had a massive apology, a formal letter of regret, and a very expensive bottle of tequila.
Corporate 1 ⭐️ Do Not Recommend)
